Are you reactive?

You will recognize a reactive state by the powerful influx of painful emotion or suffering you get from time to time. This can take the form of anger, anxiety, fear, guilt, despair, regret, seeking approval, shame, hatred, frustration and many other similar emotions. It is the activation of your pain body.

Your pain body is formed in two ways – by your own experience and by being influenced by other people’s pain bodies around you. Pain bodies are created when you have an experience, mostly as a young child, in which your sense of security is shattered, and you feel humiliated, helpless, vulnerable, powerless or overwhelmed. The events themselves are not ‘graded’ – individuals can experience the same event in very different ways. You inherit your parents’ and other influential people’s pain bodies, because their own pain bodies will define how they behave, and therefore treat you as you grow up.

What makes a difference is whether you are able at the time of the event to process your feelings and thoughts around it. If you are, the event is less traumatic, and will have little or no impact on you later in life – it becomes neutral.

If, however, at the time, you are unable to process the emotions you associate with the event and let the experience pass through you, the feelings you associate with it will become part of your pain body – they are trapped.

Your ego then learns that when it feels threatened, or not safe, it will do its utmost to stop you allowing yourself to feel the ‘unpleasant’ feelings you experienced then. The feelings trapped in the pain body become like an alarm system – when triggers are set off the alarm bells ring and you rush to automatically handle the perceived emergency. For most people this is not done in a conscious way – it is a reactive process. The alarm goes off when you find yourself in a situation where your ego senses it could feel the pain you felt when you were little, so it takes over your being and protects you. Over time, what your ego causes you to do in these situations becomes very predictable – you find yourself doing things that you always have done to avoid feelings you don’t want to experience.

To give an example of this, you might have had an event when at primary school that you did not like, for example being bullied. The emotion you associate with that experience is humiliation. You learned at the time to survive that feeling by becoming very angry and violent, which helped you survive then. Later in life, if you get into a situation where you start to feel that you could be heading for a humiliating experience, your ego takes over, and you become very angry, very quickly, possibly violent too. At this stage in your life, this might not be an appropriate response to the situation, but it is so automatic you almost cannot help yourself.

The good news is that you can help yourself. The key to dealing with these automatic reactions is to become aware of them. In this way they no longer control you – you start to control them, which gives you space to change your response to one that is more useful in the current circumstances.

A Snapaband can help with this, by stopping the automatic train of thought and action, giving you space to put something more productive in place.

This is one area we will be looking at in some detail for the participants on the forthcoming Direction Seminar, starting 17th April. It is a key tool in helping people to be at their best and experience joy, a sense of direction and fulfillment in their lives. For more information look at

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Moving from Black and White to Colour

Words reduce reality to something the human mind can grasp, but cannot describe things in their depth.

At best they describe mental concepts. If I say ‘tree’, you have a concept of what I mean, but don’t know exactly what I mean. If I say ‘plumber’, you have a set of thoughts, judgments and concepts of what I am talking about, but you don’t know what that plumber does or what is individual about their style. You work with the projection you have created rather than the person. If I say sitting on beach at sunset is ‘great’, you will have your own vision of this, but it will not be the same as mine, or another person’s.

Words can deliver concepts but cannot describe experiences. Experiencing something is far greater than understanding it conceptually, as a series of thoughts in your head. Being with something, free of your preconditioned concepts, thoughts and judgments delivers depth and comprehension at a far greater level.

When you look at a situation you may be experiencing some difficulty with, and suspend all thoughts, judgements, beliefs, mental images and concepts about it, you have the opportunity to see it differently. The effect of this is like seeing a television  picture in black and white, then in colour – the difference is profound. You had become used to black and white, and it was as good as you thought it could get. But when exposed to a colour television for the first time, there is a new vibrancy and freshness, and you notice all sorts of new things in the picture.

I have had numerous conversations with clients over the years, picking their brains and trying to get from them how they would describe what I do. It has been something none of us have been able to do in away such that every person will instantly receive the same message. They can describe their experience, or what they have got out of working with me, but we have come to the conclusion that trying to describe what I do in a way that captures everyone’s attention is impossible, and a waste of time and energy to try and formulate.

However, having a conversation with me for half an hour conveys to them what it could mean to them in a way which I could not by bombarding them with ‘power phrases’ or ‘amazing concepts’. Experiencing working together for even only a short time takes them beyond thoughts, concepts and judgements, and provides the space to look at things almost with a new pair of eyes. That is why I don’t start working with a client until we have had an introductory 30 minute conversation, so that they are clear what they are taking on, and get their own flavour of what that could be like for themselves.

If you want to experience this transition from black and white to colour (and I understand that all you have to work on here is my description and your thoughts about what I am saying!) when applied to any area of your life, be it work, relationships, direction, money, health or anything else you may be looking for a breakthrough in, please come and join the Direction Seminar starting April 17th in Hamble, Southampton. Details are available at

I cannot describe to you what you will experience – only you will know what that is once you experience it. But I invite you to get in touch with me and have a conversation about what could be possible for you from being in the seminar, and help you choose whether it is for you or not. It may help you go from black and white to colour, and that is worth having in just about anybody’s world.

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Straight Talking

News! – Before getting into the blog, I am pleased to announce that I am running The Direction Seminar, an 8 week open seminar starting April 17th.  For more information, see

Clients often ask me what they have to do to get something they want from somebody else. They have gone to great lengths to not ask directly for what they want, because they are frightened of the answer they might get, or the consequences that might arise as a result of asking the question.

What’s often missing is a straight conversation.

A straight conversation is one in which you do not know for sure what the outcome will be, but you still have the conversation anyway.

People don’t ask for what they want because they are frightened. From inside their identity (the part of themselves designed to protect them), the thought of asking for something is so potentially dangerous, that they will try to control the outcome at all costs, to minimise the potential damage.

Control in this situation is making a prediction on the outcome before it is known. As that is usually that they won’t get the answer they want, it’s safer to not even ask the question. Control might also be disguised as rationalisation, ‘common sense’, evidence from the past, or a lack of belief that you are entitled to it. Wanting control can also appear as an unwillingness to be vulnerable. The fear is that if you are vulnerable, people will take advantage of you.

My experience of this is that , paradoxically, the more you let go of control and the more vulnerable you are with people, the more they are willing to help and be vulnerable back.

I remember many moons ago this situation with one of the first girls I wanted to ask out (though I had no idea where ‘out’ was!). As I wasn’t one of the rugby jocks, I thought she wouldn’t want to know me because I was too skinny and not popular enough. My claim to fame at the time was being the leader of the school orchestra – a violinist – an occupation not really regarded as cool and sexy. I knew she was going to say no if I asked her to go out with me, but I really wanted to know the answer, so eventually, I phoned her up.

She said yes.

The feeling of elation was unbelievable. The relationship was short and not too sweet, but that’s another story.

Over the next few days, I invite you not to predict the outcomes to some conversations you have, and see the amazing results you get. Ask some tough questions you have not already predicted the answers to, and give some answers free from worrying about whether the listener is going to be upset, or if you are going to get the answer you want. You will communicate at a different level from normal, which is hugely rewarding in terms of building intimacy, and therefore trust, with whomever you are talking to.

And you might surprise yourself with some of the great results you get too. Give it a try!

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Mundane or Inspired?

Many people approach me in the grip of being dissatisfied with their lives in some way. Once we start talking, I become aware of how they are experiencing their lives as mundane. And what they are indicating they want most is inspiration.

You know when you are feeling mundane. The symptoms include boredom, feeling stuck, lack of fulfilment, everything is a problem, greyness, apathy, lack of motivation, doing the same old things the same old ways and getting the same old results, fear of stepping out, feeling like you have plateaud out, anger, frustration, tiredness, predictability becomes important, overwhelm, purposelessness, and feeling like you are going through the motions.

You will also have known being inspired. There is excitement, purpose, clarity, energy, focus, fun, colour, enjoyment, coincidence (or synchronicity), passion, feeling fully alive, direction, a feeling of being in control, certainty, freedom, peace, ease, and a feeling that you are doing exactly what you love in the moment and are unstoppable.

Believe it or not, you choose your own experience of life as it happens around you. You can choose to experience life as mundane or inspiring regardless of your circumstances. And you can create your life to give you inspiration too.

An example of this is that many of my clients experience that if things are not working as they would like them to, then they have to feel insecure or frightened, or at least worried at some level because something is wrong. This is a conditioned or reactive behaviour – it happens automatically. As they have grown up, they have learned that something wrong is bad. The conditioning we have grown up with says to us that ‘if it doesn’t work, it’s a problem, and a problem means that someone is to blame. We’ve all got to go around looking worried and concerned until the problem is sorted out.’ And this bit of conditioning is our way of showing the world that we subscribe to the code of ‘if I work hard, don’t make too many mistakes, and don’t upset too many people, I won’t get the blame’.

Compliance through demonstrating appropriate behaviour (looking contrite and serious in this case) is a way of avoiding being made wrong – the most painful experience many of us have ever had.

However, this doesn’t work in terms of getting what you really want. Sure, it gets you off the hook immediately, but the cost is that you are spending your life avoiding pain (being mundane), rather than welcoming in new inspiration and the benefits to the experience of life that it brings.

It may sound a bit crazy, but what would it be like if people celebrated having a problem, and were overjoyed to have something to work with? Or if our conditioning had taught us to go around with big smiles on our faces, knowing that we have a difficult problem?  For most of us that is completely alien, and we would be very suspicious of someone doing that, because of our conditioning. The point is though that things happen, and we choose how we experience them. Most of us experience them based on our early life conditioning, but it doesn’t have to be like that. By choosing our experience of a set of circumstances, we can often bring additional energy, freedom and power to the situation, and we may actually end up with the result we want rather than a compromise that leaves us feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled.

We have all experienced both ‘mundane’ and ‘inspired’, and for most of us, life is more enjoyable when tending towards the inspired end of the scale. So what does it take to create this state of inspiration as an ongoing condition?

All the answers are within you already. If you are having difficulty in locating them in yourself, contact me, and we’ll see how we can best bring them forward.

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Four words that can change your experience of life

I’ve just been reading Eckhart Tolle’s book A New Earth, and tucked away right in the last few pages is a little gem I think is worth highlighting.

Throughout the book, he talks about the only moment to be living in is the now. The difficulty I have experienced with this is that sometimes, particularly when upset or thrown off balance, it is very hard to reconnect with the present, because I am thinking about the past or future, and usually disappearing down a well trodden pathway of panic or doubt.

At the end of the book, he talks about three ways of being that will have you stay in the present, when your ego will not get in the way, and run your life unconsciously. They are acceptance, joy and enthusiasm. You need to be vigilant that at least one of them operates in anything you are engaged in doing, or your ego will take over. If you are not in one of these three states, you will be creating an experience of suffering for yourself and others.

Whatever you cannot enjoy doing, you can at least accept that this is what you have to do. This means you are present, and at peace while you are engaged in something. The example Tolle gives is changing your car tyre late at night on a wet roadside in the cold. Most people may not enjoy this or be enthusiastic about it, but by accepting that this is what there is to be done right now, you can be at peace while you do it.

Enjoyment is what you experience when thoroughly engaged in the present moment in whatever you’re doing. Expansion and positive change is much more likely to come into your life if you can enjoy what you are already doing.

Enthusiasm is the deep enjoyment of what you do with the added element of a goal or vision to work towards. Have this as a way of being and you will find an enormous intensity and energy behind what you do.

And if you cannot accept or enjoy what you are doing – stop it. Take the responsibility to choose your state of consciousness.

This is a very abridged version of what Tolle is saying, and I apologise  for any misinterpretation, but I thought it well worth passing on. Reading these four states has helped me simplify things greatly in the last week or so.

From time to time, I can be engaged in a task I don’t want to do, so my mind starts wandering to how ‘I shouldn’t be doing this – it’s not fair, or it’s someone else’s responsibility’ etc. If I stop and ask myself ‘is this something I want to stop, accept, enjoy or enthuse about’?, the resentment and ‘heat’ diminishes, because I am consciously choosing how I want to relate to it.

Brilliant! Have some fun playing with this – you never know you might enjoy it!

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Being powerful in any situation

Sometimes it is really hard to know what the right path for yourself is. It is made even harder when it is buried under a pile of stuff.

The right path for you follows a route where you experience peacefulness, power, flow and joy.  You will have had times in your life when you know that you are going in exactly the right direction – it seems natural, and your enjoyment is at its highest. These are also times when you are simultaneously moving in line with what you are committed to – that’s why those times seem to be so powerful.

A commitment is something which you are dedicated to supporting in some way. You may be committed to your family, your own health, the success of your business, to a particular football team. When you are able to create a mental picture that inspires you of your commitments, you feel great, and any actions you take towards those commitments are fun and rewarding.

There are times when the same commitments can feel like a burden, or obligation, and you experience no joy and freedom around them. Yet the only thing that has changed is how you feel about them – the object of your commitment is still the same.

When this happens, most people blame ‘the world out there’, excuses ranging from their upbringing to the weather, or the economy, or someone else. In reality though, at that point they are not being responsible for themselves, as they feel powerless, a victim of circumstances. When you stop blaming everything else and take responsibility for your own feelings, it is possible to change your experience of the events around you. By moving from obligation to willingness, the world occurs as a very different place, and a much more enjoyable one to live in. You get your power back.

The cause of a change in your feeling comes from an upset. An upset occurs when you are triggered into a repeated, reactive and unconscious pattern of behaviour. The trigger is your ego’s way of warning you that if you do not take action now, you will end up being hurt. So you play out the same old protection methods you have used since you learned them when you were little, as a way of avoiding the feeling of powerlessness.

An upset can occur when something you have expected to happen has not. Examples of these include when someone has not communicated with you when they said they would, or has become angry, or not paid you on time, or when you have let someone down. Upsets lead to a lowering of your energy, so you end up in the spectrum of feelings somewhere near the bottom of the pile – in anger, fear, apathy or despair, and that is when your commitments start feeling like a burden.

By taking action around upsets as soon as you distinguish them, you can maintain your energy at the higher end of the spectrum, and stay in line with your commitments in a way which is fulfilling rather than a chore.

A great practice to take on is to check with yourself on a daily basis whether you are carrying any upsets around with you. With practice, you can spot them very soon after they happen, deal with them quickly, and keep yourself clear.

Something I do is help people locate upsets they have been carrying for some time, in many cases years. By clearing them out, they are free to experience the joy, freedom and energy they desire to be able to fulfil their commitments.

Life becomes easier. Who wouldn’t want that?

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Being at your most powerful

I’ve had a very full and busy month. I feel like I have been in a tumble dryer, it’s come to the end of its cycle, and I have dropped out through the door into the linen basket.

I don’t like this feeling as it coincides with me feeling reduced in power.

Looking back, I have crammed my diary with meetings, work, social activities and short notice events. At the time, I consciously chose to put these in my diary, yet quite quickly, the feeling of engaging in the actual doing of these events became one of obligation. When I start feeling obliged, I have lost balance and my power, and feel like I am tumbling around. Although commitments are generally met, I lose connection with what I want as I run between the various roles I have in my life – father, coach, husband, breadwinner, trainer, etc. Too tight scheduling has me run from one to the next without pause, and at the end of the day, I can feel pretty exhausted.

So what could I have done differently?

I could schedule less into my diary. That can sometimes work. But I like taking on new adventures, trying out new things, meeting new people, so limiting my activities to only one or two per week would probably leave me feeling under stimulated and dull.

Maybe I can draw something from my love of surfing. I love being in the sea, and when I get on a wave, I don’t know whether it will be a long or a short ride, or whether I’ll get dumped. It is an activity which by its nature means I will be out of balance, or outside my comfort zone, some of the time. Yet catching a good wave is huge fun and exhilarating. Surfing remains fun for me because I always have the surfboard to return to, catch my breath and wait for the next good looking wave which I have the choice whether to attempt to ride or not. Pausing gives me space to make a choice.  So I am very happy to engage in activities which are outside my comfort zone as long as I can pause and exercise choice.

Making a choice involves ‘you’. Having choices made for you does not involve you, and that is disempowering (unless you choose to let other people make choices for you…), and your personal power reduces. You are left feeling obligation and resistance to the situations you previously took on by choice.

When I’m coaching people, I am doing so from choice. I create the space and select what I want to be present in it. I listen out for what my clients don’t hear in themselves. I have no prejudgements, preconceptions, attachments or thoughts of how it is going to go. I choose to listen for what’s the gold – what are they trying to say? I am listening for a sense of the ‘being’ of the person underneath the mask, and help them to see themselves from a different perspective. Choosing what I want to put in the space helps clients gain clarity, and have insights about themselves and their situations. I feel balanced and powerful and am at my most effective, as are they.

So as you switch between the different roles in your life, pause and take 30 seconds several times a day to just check in with yourself that you are choosing whatever you are about to do. If you detect any feelings of being rushed, obliged, or feel like you ‘have to’ or ‘should’ do something, choose how you want to experience it rather than becoming an unconscious victim of it. Using a Snapaband ( for this is a great way of stopping the mind chatter and feelings of obligation, and creating a space you can fill with a feeling or thought of your choice.

You will find your power comes back, and you will be far more effective in whatever it is you choose to do.

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The dreaded question – ‘So What Do You Do’?

Last week, out of the blue, I received a phone call inviting me to be the ‘prize’ in a radio (Wave 105FM) competition, in which the winner is given an expert for a week. Donna, the prizewinner, an amazingly peaceful and courageous lady, wanted to work with a coach. As this is part of a wider promotion by the sponsors of the competition, Direct Line, a series of short films about the week are being made at the same time and will appear on Facebook next week.

I felt very excited about the opportunity, but also slightly scared, because I realized that now I would have to get really clear about how I express what I do. I anticipated the radio presenter asking, for me the dreaded question,  ’so tell us Paul, what is the Clarity Coach all about?’

So I sat down the evening before the show, and kept writing and writing until I came up with something I was happy with. What I do is:

help people look at their lives from a different perspective, so that they can gain clarity. This may be a times when they are feeling stuck, or are at a junction point in their lives or need inspiration or fresh insight to help them move forward.

Having sorted that out in my head, I felt very calm and, well, clear!

This was a bit of a light bulb moment for me.  I have been trying to work out a statement like this for some years. Over that time I have come up with several variations and ‘elevator’ speeches, and have spent quite intense periods of time agonizing over how I express what I do, trying to fit myself into an already existing label, such as life coach, business coach, executive coach, or leadership coach.

This is because one of the things I feared most as a child was not being understood. What I learned when little was that if people did not understand me I might as well not exist – I am not worth knowing. And that did not feel great, to put it mildly.

One way of avoiding those feelings was to try and fit myself into an already recognized box – tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, doctor, lawyer etc., because then people would understand what I do, or at least have some idea, and validate me.

As I grew older and attended parties or networking events where inevitably that question ‘so what do you do?’ would appear in conversation, I felt tongue tied, because if I said ‘I am a……’(whatever title I had at the time), part of me felt like saying ‘but I am far more than what you think a ….. is!’ – I never found a box into which I fitted comfortably.

Back at the radio station, when asked, I confirmed that I would like to be introduced as Paul Stonehouse, the Clarity Coach. The presenter was very struck with the name and the film crew very quickly got that I am about bringing clarity to a situation. They understood!

So I have been hiding behind a self imposed mask of ‘people won’t understand me’ for years, trying to prove myself right, when in reality, people have been very capable of understanding me all the time…

Adding to this, I did not say in the description of what I do that I am ‘a’ anything – ‘a’ plumber, ‘a’ doctor, ‘a’ leadership coach. I put it in terms of what I do for people, and in that way they very quickly see what is possible for themselves.

I was talking with a friend yesterday, and could see that something was incomplete for him, as things weren’t working out in line with his expectations.  He too has struggled to fit into a box of other people’s job descriptions. I fed back to him that I could see that he is outstanding at creating a space where people could connect with each other and be self-expressed. His response was initially ’so what, surely everyone can do that?’, but on reflecting over his career, he could see that that was exactly what he had done in all his roles, and had in fact turned down a senior job because he felt that it was not about empowering people. He isn’t one of ‘a’ anything – he is him – he has a very special talent, and when he looks at his work from that perspective, things look very different.

So the moral of the story is if in doubt about answering the dreaded ‘what do you do?’ question, talk about what people get out of working with you. Don’t be shy – talk about your talent, not your title, because that is what people actually want to know.

In particular, if you are providing a service to people, they want to understand who you are as a person – they want to ‘get’ you.

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Are you living behind a mask?

I work with people to help them see who they are underneath their masks.

I have several masks. They provide me with a fixed way of being when I feel stressed in some social situations, and ensure my survival at that time.  One of them is the mask of ‘charm’ – being very attentive, very light, a bit ‘Hugh Grant’ like, and can verge on being slightly over familiar, and apologetic.

Another of my masks is to ignore things, or deny their existence, just blank things completely. By avoiding, denying and ignoring, I get to avoid the unpleasant feelings of not knowing, or not knowing what I am supposed to do in the situation.

Putting a mask on creates a protective bubble around you. Good as this may seem, it is difficult to get what you want when you’re operating from inside what you already know – your bubble – because it is a fixed way of thinking. Coming out of your bubble, or going underneath the mask, accesses different results. I help people to see their blind spots, see what holds them back, and help them become aware of the masks they create and live in.

One way of spotting your mask is to be aware of what you are alert to. What danger are you sensing? What are you tense about? What is your unconscious focus on?

For me, in a social situation for example, I could be alert to not being understood, being dismissed or not being noticed. Masks are generated by your ego, and it is my ego that is bothered whether I am heard or understood.

A commonly seen mask is to appear very busy, or driven. It is a great way of avoiding tackling something that is more important, as ‘busyness’ provides a huge distraction. I can find myself being busy with anything except what is important as a way of delaying or stalling for time.

When I see people displaying recognisable masks, I have an inward grin of recognition as I will often recognise them in myself. Because I have distinguished my own masks, I have an ease around them, as they are no longer automatic and I can choose whether I wear them or not. When I see other people’s masks, it is a clear sign that they may be distressed at some level and may have no understanding of what they re doing. If they are willing, I help them become aware of their mask by acknowledging where they are feeling at risk.

Being aware of what you are alert to can make the difference between running your life from fear, or at the other end of the spectrum, running your life peacefully and powerfully.

Consider the possibility that you may wear a mask, or even several at once. Masks are so close to you, and so well fitting that often people are not aware that they are wearing them.

If you want to go begin distinguishing your masks, start noticing what you are alert to, and where you may feel like you are sensing danger. Become aware of what upsets you, or when you feel off balance, uncomfortable, or stuck. Notice what’s not working for you and when you get frustrated. I guarantee that if you are feeling any of those things, your ego is running the show  – you are operating from your mask.



If you would like help in distinguishing your masks, or feel held back, stuck or unfulfilled and want to do something about it, please contact me by email or phone, for a free 30 minute consultation. 

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Summer Hangover

The autumn months are a period of change and feeling unsettled for many of us. The summer has nearly finished; the weather changes and the evenings are darker. For some, there is a feeling of resistance to engaging in life as it is right now. We wish it was still summer. It’s a bit like wanting back the party that you are suffering with the hangover from now…

Talking to clients about this recently, I am amazed at how many of us have this inbuilt resistance to the autumn, because we have a feeling of loss of freedom, a memory similar to going back to school in childhood after the long summer holidays.

The cause of all stress is living in the past (in this case summer, or a romantic picture of how the summer ‘should’ be), or in the future, neither of which we have control over.

Feelings of regret about the past, or fear and uncertainty about the future will shape your experience in the present moment. If you reinforce and pay attention to thoughts and feelings of being a bit flat, depressed, or ‘hung over’ from holiday, recognise that these are just thoughts and feelings, and they are shaping your current experience.

If you are feeling like this, it is a great time to have a thorough mental, physical and emotional clearout. Clearing has the double benefit of getting rid of no-longer useful ‘stuff’ (things that may have served you in the past but do not do so any more), and at the same time creating space for new thoughts, feelings and material things to come into your life. You get completion and creation at the same time.

I have focussed much of the last two months on progressing our new house into a state that is a pleasure to live in. This has involved some building work, heavy gardening, throwing out or passing on things that we brought with us from the old place but no longer need, and getting used to the space in which we live. It has been great, and I am writing this article from my new office – now a great place to work from, formerly a dated and leaking ensuite bathroom.

And now, although not altogether relishing the shorter days and longer nights up to Christmas, I am feeling ready to re-engage and shift my focus back onto helping people be at their best. I am also looking forward to experiencing what it’s like living in the new house through the autumn and winter.

Bring it on!

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