Whatever happens, there’s never anything wrong

One of the most useful lessons I have learned is encapsulated in this one very powerful statement:

‘Whatever happens, there’s never anything wrong’.

It took me a long while to understand the power within this.

What? You mean when someone doesn’t pay you when they say they will, or your girlfriend runs off with your best mate, or a hostage has been killed instead of being released, there’s nothing wrong?

Yup, there’s nothing wrong.

I hadn’t realised that how I perceive events like those above affects my subsequent actions. Thinking that something is wrong triggers reactive behaviour, like outrage, blame and defensiveness.

These are all attributes of your character, or survival tactics. When your character is out to play, you cannot be at your best. Any actions you take when in character will not lead to the best results for you.

So if it’s not wrong, how is it?

Well, it’s not wrong or right, good or bad, weak or strong: it just is. The rest is meaning, judgement and significance you add to the situation. But people are conditioned to adding these things in a well practiced, but unconscious way.

If you really want to make a difference in a situation, look at what is actually happening, and accept it.

‘The so-and-so hasn’t paid me when he promised faithfully the money would be with me today!’ can turn into ‘I haven’t received the money I was expecting’. Do you notice the different energy around those two statements? The first is loaded with judgement (making the other person wrong), hatred, disappointment and a desire for retribution, where the second is remarkably straight and calm. It is purely a statement of what is so – how things are at the moment, free of judgement and loading.

It is much easier to create a powerful way of dealing with the situation, from a perspective of calm and acceptance. You will also invite the ‘wrongdoer’ to stop defending himself from the imminent attack he will be expecting, and see whether you can come up with a resolution that works for you both.

So next time you feel outrage welling up inside you (and if you want to expose yourself to this, watch the television news or East Enders), stop for a moment and separate out what has actually happened, as opposed to what everyone says about it. You may then find yourself willing to look for resolution, rather than retribution.

About theclaritycoach

Paul Stonehouse is an experienced coach, educator and speaker, and is completely committed to helping people perform at their best. His particular passion is helping people move forward when they are stuck, enabling them to live and work a in a way which is a confident expression of their true selves.
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