What’s missing is a straight conversation.

A straight conversation is one in which you do not know for sure what the outcome will be, but you still have the conversation anyway.

People don’t ask for what they want because they are frightened. From inside their identity (the part of themselves designed to protect them), the thought of asking for something is such a stretch to their comfort zone, that they will try to control the outcome at all costs.

Control looks like making a prediction on the outcome before it is known, and it is usually that they will not get the answer they want, so why even bother asking the question. Control might also be disguised as rationalisation, common sense, evidence from the past, or a lack of belief that you are entitled to it. Wanting control can also appear as an unwillingness to be vulnerable. The fear is that if you are vulnerable, people will take advantage of you.

My experience of this is completely the opposite. The more you let go of control and the more vulnerable you are with people, the more they are willing to help and be vulnerable back.

I remember many moons ago this situation with one of the first girls I wanted to ask out (though I had no idea where ‘out’ was!). As I wasn’t one of the rugby jocks, I thought she wouldn’t want to know me because I was too skinny and not popular enough. My claim to fame at the time was being the leader of the school orchestra – a violinist – an occupation not really regarded as cool and sexy. I knew she was going to say no if I asked her to go out with me, but I really wanted to know the answer, so after a gulp of Scotch, I phoned her up.

She said yes!

The feeling of elation was unbelievable. The relationship was short and not too sweet, but that’s another story.

Over the next few days, I invite you not to predict the outcomes to some conversations you have, and see the amazing results you get. Ask some tough questions you have not already predicted the answers to, and give some answers free from worrying about whether the listener is going to be upset, or if you are going to get the answer you want. You will communicate at a different level from normal, which is hugely rewarding in terms of building intimacy, and therefore trust, with whomever you are talking to.

And you might surprise yourself with some of the great results you get too. Give it a try!

This is because as you leave one familiar path, life becomes uncertain as you let go of aspects of your personality (ego) that no longer fit. It is not a comfortable place for your ego, as your ego is designed to keep you feeling safe and secure, which it cannot do as it does not see where you are going.

People experience the void in different ways. If you are normally sociable, you might want to be alone, and not want to be involved with other people. You may feel empty and uncertain about where your life is going, and go through periods of wanting lots of sleep. You may feel almost obsessively over-energised at times, or unusually low in energy. Many people report feelings of confusion and feel dithery and indecisive about subjects they have previously dealt with quickly. You may feel more emotional than usual, or feel nothing at all. There may be periods of great clarity when insights and ideas pour through you.

Some people report feeling that things are falling apart or things you took for granted aren’t working as they used to do.

The void teaches you about your attachments – it is a time for examining your judgements, relationships, feelings, attitudes and values, replacing those which no longer serve you with ones that do.

Being in the void is a time of not knowing, as only when you stop knowing things in your normal way, and experience not knowing that you can connect with new knowledge. Not knowing is a state of being rather than doing, and of stillness and silence.

The void is a time to let go of preconceived ideas and explore your expanded range of horizons. It will take ‘not knowing’ to be able to accomplish this. Take time to fantasize and daydream, think about how things in the future could be different. Don’t worry if you are not clear how the future will materialise, or if no direction has yet revealed itself. Love and accept your current circumstances, as the more you do this, the more quickly your new vision will become clear and you will grow towards it.

There comes a turning point in the void. At some point, you sense a new determination, a new strength and make decisions that will lead you in a new direction – a shift takes place when you know that you are now ready to start creating what you want. Find yourself some ‘still’ time, and listen to your inner voice or intuition, and take actions in line with what it says, even though the whole picture may not yet be clear.

And finally, don’t worry about being in a void – it will pass. Although not welcomed by most people because of the feeling of uncertainty, is a very important time in your personal growth. Learn to live with uncertainty, and you will accelerate your growth, becoming the best you can be and creating a new and higher future, possibly greater than you can currently imagine.

It isn’t life’s events but how one reacts to them and the attitude that one has about them that determines whether such events have a positive or negative effect on one’s life, and whether they are experienced as an opportunity or threat.

In David R Hawkins book Power vs Force, he describes a scale of consciousness from guilt and shame at the bottom to peace and enlightenment at the top. Levels between these extremes correlate with specific processes of consciousness – emotions, perceptions, attitudes, world views and spiritual beliefs.

The state of consciousness you are in or choose to adopt has a direct impact on your experience of a situation. A redundancy may be traumatic to one person, a release into freedom for another. Economic recession can be a source of stress for one person, an opportunity for another.

In an extremely slimmed down form, the scale looks something like this:

So what? The impact of this scale is that the attitude or level of consciousness you adopt will shape your experience of a situation.

For example, if you are frightened of your boss, dealing with him or her will be traumatic for you. If however, you adopt an attitude of acceptance for your boss, dealing with them will be easier and a more pleasurable experience – your experience of a situation is determined by your attitude, or put another way from your ‘being’.

The beauty of this scale is that you can move your position on it consciously. If you want to ‘feel good’ you will need to be operating at the levels from courage upwards – the higher you go the better you will feel. If you want to feel inspired (high up the scale) you will not be able to do so if your energy level is at that of apathy. The jump in energy can be achieved in seconds or can take a lifetime of struggle, depending on your attitude to it.

Research cited by Hawkins shows that 85% of the human race operates at a level below courage. Only 4% of the worlds population calibrates at a level higher than love. Individuals will have short peaks of the higher levels (those magic times in your life when everything seems to go really well – occasions that you might describe as ‘great’) but over a period of time, people tend to be consistent in their operating levels unless they consciously and deliberately address them.

So we live in a world where people’s attitude shapes their reality, and most people’s reality is fear based, and centered on their personal survival.

You can change your reality and experience of life by changing your attitude. The problem is that a change in attitude like that needs courage as a minimum to succeed. It is a quality I look for in potential coaching clients – do they have the courage to take themselves on, because they are not going to get what they say they want if they are continuously operating at levels below this. Unanimously, those who become clients do have that courage, and it is that which carries them forward, and their experience shifts – greater things become possible in their lives.

My work involves removing the unseen blocks in people which enables them to operate at least from a position of courage. Once that is done, their higher potential can be accessed, and they get to be at their best.

Do contact me if you would like to know more about how this fascinating scale applies to you personally.

In conversation with a coaching client recently, she started becoming aware of some of the compromises she was making in her life – being away from her family during the week at work, having very little autonomy in her job, working with a boss who has no interest in her development, being underutilized and doing a job she no longer felt any connection with. The impact of these was starting to affect her health, and she described her experience of life as being ‘pretty joyless at the moment’.

She decided to make a list of her tolerations in all areas of her life, including her relationships with her family and friends, her health and career. Once she had been ruthlessly honest in identifying what she was putting up with in those areas, she started addressing the ones which were fairly quick to deal with and has gradually built up to the bigger issues she has been less willing to tackle as her confidence has grown.

Already, in just a few weeks she has become noticeably more energetic, confident and calm, and has more energy to engage in the things she loves. In particular, she has become much clearer about her future career direction.

What are you putting up with, or tolerating? What compromises are you making, just to keep the status quo? Once you start to identify these things, you can choose whether you want to do anything about them. Be sure that if you don’t, things will stay as you have been experiencing them.

Before you read on, just pause for a moment and think of what comes into your life easily. It could be money, friendships, partners, career advancement, health, love, car-parking spots – pretty much anything under the sun. There will be something that you have in abundance and just accept that it is always there or will always be there soon – you do not feel a lack of it.

Something that comes into my life with ease is wood. I am talking mainly about logs for burning, though it extends to all types of wood which I use to make boxes, shelving, sheds, tables, mirror frames – all sorts of things.

What’s interesting here is the relationship I have with wood, because it is this that creates the abundance of it I have in my life. Here are some of the things I associate with wood:

• I am always alert to it – free wood is something that interests me, so I notice opportunities to acquire it
• I associate it with fun – I am never significant or serious about wood
• I love what I can do with it – use it for heating, and make beautiful and useful things
• I have several tools to deal with it effectively
• I love being creative with it
• I have an abundance of it – there is never a shortage of wood in my life, and I trust that there never will be
• I do not relate it in any way to my self worth – it’s just wood!
• I let people know I am looking for it – so they bring it round, or tell me where there is some available
• I enjoy developing mastery with it
• I am relaxed about using it
• I am aware of how much is being used to heat the house, but not worried by it
• I build stores of it (log piles) and enjoy seeing them
• I get excited when there is an opportunity to receive some
• I happily ask for it, and let people know that I am interested in getting hold of it

Do this exercise for yourself with something that flows freely into your life and is abundant – see why you have an easy relationship with whatever it is that you attract in abundance.

Then compare your list with something that you struggle to have in your life, or perhaps in the amount you would like it. It could be, well, anything – freedom, money, relationships, work, love, car-parking slots, time – you choose.

What is your relationship with that?

Looking at money as an example, my relationship has been until recently one of almost the opposite of all the great things I associate with wood. And talking to a client recently, she was looking at why there is a lack of a partner in her life.

I would be interested to know what happens for you if you relate to the thing you perceive a lack of in the same way as you relate to the thing you have an abundance of. Putting that into practice, go through the statements about your version of ‘wood’ replacing the word ‘wood’ with the thing you have missing or are feeling a lack of.

Try it out and see what happens. It has transformed my feelings about money in the last few months, and given me a whole new freedom to be open about it, ask for it and enjoy it.

Now when I think about money, if any negative feelings about it come up, I just relate to it like wood, and enjoy it. If nothing else, you replace fear or anxiety with some fun and relaxation, which frees you up to take action, and you never know, you might start attracting what you want with ease …

1. Absence of trust
2. Fear of conflict
3. Lack of commitment
4. Avoidance of accountability
5. Inattention to results

If a single dysfunction is allowed to flourish, like the weakest link in a chain, teamwork deteriorates.

I can see the relevance of the model in business teams, but also think it is worth looking at from the perspective of all relationships.

Focussing on the first two stages of the model in particular, the fundamental need in a team or partnership is trust. Building trust takes a willingness to be open and vulnerable with each other, including showing weaknesses and mistakes. It takes courage to act on this.

Failure to build trust is damaging because it leads to a fear of conflict, or unfiltered and passionate debate about ideas and approaches. To me conflict also requires honesty, and a willingness to acknowledge and challenge the unspeakable – the elephant in the room.

The phrase ‘elephant in the room’ comes from the idea that an elephant in a room would be impossible to overlook; thus, people in the room who pretend the elephant is not there have chosen to avoid dealing with the looming big issue. In reality, it is a problem or risk no one wants to discuss; a controversial issue that is obvious, but which is ignored.

Failure to acknowledge, discuss and address this type of issue because of a fear of conflict leads to denial and a lack of honesty and openness, which slows or stops progress. If the elephant is dealt with, veiled discussions cease, people relax and become less guarded, and according to Lencioni, the team could then move onto the next phases of creating functionality.

I won’t go into the other three phases of the model at this point, but I think it is worth considering how the first two stages impact in your own teams and relationships.

Who are you not being open and honest with in your life? What are you afraid of saying? What are you ignoring, tolerating or hoping will go away, because you are frightened of dealing with it?

As a coach, I often come across ‘elephants’, and experience has shown that when dealt with effectively communication opens up, people are honest and authentic with each other, and progress flows again.

Have the courage to recognize and deal with your own elephants. It is always worth it in the end, and the results may surprise you.

My experience has been that when I am looking for something, I tend to start looking outside my known circle of contacts and familiar environment.  I suppose this is because I have a thought that what I want isn’t here now, so it must be out there in the big wide world. So I tend to go on a quest, seeking what I want far and wide, way beyond my usual circle of contacts and local environment. And what I want often still doesn’t show up, or if it does, it is at a high cost in terms of traveling time.

Yet when I start looking closer to home, the things I want are usually already there – I just haven’t seen them, or have not noticed them, because I don’t expect them to be so close to home.

To give you a couple of examples of this, a few years ago, I wanted to buy a Citroen 2CV, one of those old fashioned, iconic French cars that were built from the mid 1940’s to the early 1980’s, before emission regulations and safety concerns dictated car design. I searched all over the internet, found lots advertised in Wales, Cornwall and the North of England, but very few within 50 miles of where I live, near Southampton. Then, deciding to look local, I noticed one tucked away at the back of a driveway in my village, and to cut a long story short, the owner was looking to sell it and had not got round to advertising it. It became mine.

Secondly, I often want wood of one sort or another and an abundance of it seems to find its way into my life, and without lots of effort. In the past I have wanted railway sleepers for making raised vegetable beds – they were ‘rescued’ over the course of two years from the nearby beaches; firewood comes from neighbours felling unwanted trees; and quality woods for making things have come from a retiring boat builder.

I am sure this is more than coincidence, and further more believe that this applies to other areas of life too.  The important thing seems to be knowing what you are looking for, then putting it to the back of your mind – don’t get hung up in a big quest where you create the expectation of it coming from far away. Keep focusing on what you want to appear, and it will probably turn up locally.

Try this out – assume that if you want something and you are not getting it, the solution will probably lie with people you already know, or who are not physically far from you. The trick seems to be in altering your expectations from ‘because this is new it has to be difficult’ to ‘it’s close to home – I just can’t see it yet’. Start looking at your contacts with the conviction that they have something to tell you or give to you that you may not have expected from them before, and ask for their help.

Have some fun with it, and do let me know your results.

There’s lots of it around at the moment. In fact there has always been lots of it round, just well masked with an illusion of certainty and predictability. Apparently gone are the days of jobs for life, continuous growth, and predictable seasons of weather. They were never certainties anyway, just expectations based on the past.

So how are we handling this environment of uncertainty? Some people are suffering. Uncertainty to them means danger, risk, worry and fear. They lose trust with each other, tend to shut down and desperately try and make things predictable – not much fun.

Others, in the absence of certainty, roll over and become victims, letting go of any sense of their own ability to influence their world, and react to everything that comes their way, grasping at straws like a drowning man.

Some people get angry – which is an expression of fear – and try harder to fix everything, in an attempt to control their world. They end up being very stressed and busy being busy. Again, probably not a very enjoyable option.

What impressed me last night is that for some time my client has been unhappy with his job. He has gone through all of the above options. But he woke up one morning and decided to go for another job, which he didn’t get. A short while later he applied for another job, and when I met him last night had just had a second interview for it.

It struck me he was very excited, and at the same time very powerful and calm. We talked about any fears he had about being disappointed if he didn’t get the job, and what would happen if he did, as it would mean quite a disruption to his current life and routine. It was a wonderful conversation. We concluded that in the face of uncertainty he was not operating out of his ego driven fears, but more out of his spirit for a challenge. He has taken on trying to get out of his current unsatisfying rut, and does not know for certain whether he will get the job or not, so faces rejection and disappointment, feelings he has found very hard to deal with in the past.

That’s what I call courage – taking action despite fear. And the funny thing is he felt great, and was having a really enjoyable day. Courage is a wonderful attitude to have. It brings out the best in you. Think of the times you would describe as great in your life. I bet they involved you having enough courage to step out of your comfort zone for a while, which then created the memorable time.

So if you are uncertain at the moment and where it may be going, instead of the usual patterns of behaviour, take on courage. Try something you have not done before. Get out of your box. Talk to that person you have been frightened to talk to. Take a risk. The fear of what might happen is what stops you, but the rewards once you have overcome that fear can be immense.

Courage, mes braves!

If you find the thought of active networking repellent, you are not alone. We are bombarded with messages that we should all be networking like crazy; it’s the best way of doing business, through personal contact, or through networking sites and social media like Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn and many others.

For those of us who grew up learning that talking about yourself is as big a sin as showing off, the thought of putting yourself out there and telling everyone what you do, how good you are and how useful you could be is very frightening – it goes directly against the grain of our conditioning. It is tantamount to being a bighead and being seen as rude, arrogant and self-promoting. I for one grew up in a household where expressions like ‘empty vessels make the most noise’ were held in high regard as a guide to good behaviour, which meant I tended to keep quiet and listen more. Although learning to listen is a very admirable and useful skill (and would it would be great if more people had mastery of it) there are times when not expressing who you are and what you think be disabling.

People with lowish self-esteem can also use these excuses to stop promoting themselves. They don’t like to put themselves and their thoughts out into the world because they are frightened that no one wants to hear what they have to say anyway, or that their view is in anyway important. The risk for these sensitive souls is that they could find out it’s true – nobody does care what they have to say, and they are ignored, or not heard. The feelings of frustration, rejection and worthlessness are ones that are so unpleasant, they must be avoided at all costs, and they find networking and it’s associated risks terrifying, so don’t do it.

The good news is that there is a wonderful little tool now on the market called a Snapaband. A Snapaband works by helping you overcome the thoughts and feelings that can get in the way of whatever it is that you want to achieve. So if you want to expand your networks, but are fearful of the processes involved in doing so, try one out. By overcoming the thoughts and feelings that come up when you look at making a change or taking on something new, you are freed up to move forward into whatever it is that you want. Applied in a networking situation, it could mean that people will get to hear what you have to offer, which they would not have done before.

You never know – they might like it, and want to be in your network too!

Have a look at www.snapaband.com – it could make all the difference.

Fear of rejection is the irrational fear that others will not accept me for who I am, what I believe and how I act. Over time, if unchecked, a fear of rejection can lead to feelings of failure, worthlessness and depression.

People are highly motivated to avoid social rejection, and this can become a driving force for all actions in their lives, starting very young. It plays a part in their choices concerning their education, careers, work behavior, achievement level, interpersonal and marital relationships, family and community life, and the ways in which they spend leisure time.

The problem is that as an employer, if your people are driven by fear, you may get adequate results from them, but you will not be getting their best. Being driven by any fear limits a person’s capacity for creativity and inspiration, and does not allow them to display their natural strengths and talents as they are spending so much energy trying not to be rejected.

And worst of all, they are probably unaware that they are trying to avoid rejection – people rarely even know that they are doing it.

People suffering with a fear of rejection are driven by the need for acceptance, and will give up their own identity, or sense of self, in the process. They mimic the ways in which others act, dress, talk, think, believe, and function. They crave recognition and acceptance from the reference group with whom they want to be identified. 

I have seen this behaviour in large organizations, where employees at all levels can try so hard to be ‘a member of the club’, play by the rules, emulate their bosses, or behave perfectly, so that no one can ever find fault with them and ultimately reject them from the organization. In my experience, people like this operate at a level far from their best and lose their core essence  – a sense of ‘who they are and where they are going’ – so deeply have they become ingrained in trying to ‘do the right thing’ or ‘fit in’. It is sad to see natural talent being underutilized in this way.

Here are 20 symptoms people who fear rejection can display:

• Rebel away from, or ‘toady up’ to authority
• Little or no assertiveness – do not voice their own opinions easily to others
• They go out of, and do not initiate communication
• Seek approval
• Hide behind a mask( pretend to be someone that you are not, in order to be accepted)
• Reject and judge (as inadequate) others
• Being alert to whether someone is going to reject or accept them
• Try to fit in and do what they think is expected, even if it disagrees with them
• Unable to receive constructive criticism
• Have self pity or victimhood
• Become so obsessed with functioning, looking, and acting in a ‘prescribed’ manner that they become rigid and inflexible
• Have a feeling of not fitting in
• Opinionated personality and the need to always be right about things
• Tendency for excessive control, or micro management
• Feel worthless, shameful, insecure and hopeless in their darkest hours
• Fear confrontation
• Appear to lack honesty, integrity, and ‘spine’
• Make themselves so quiet and unseen as to almost disappear
• Aloof
• Tendency to ‘fix’ everyone else’s problems

So, have a look at the people you work with. Are they displaying any of these symptoms? Have a look at yourself – are you?

Issues of fear of rejection, and other limiting beliefs, can often be dealt with very effectively through coaching. The end result is often a person who is no longer ruled by fears, is confident and able to give their best in any situation.

Do contact me if you would like to explore this further for yourself or a colleague.