Many of us become impatient, frustrated or angry. Frustrated that we have not got what we expected, angry at others for not ‘pulling their weight’ or ‘doing as I said they should’: anger that it hasn’t worked out. Sometimes there is also despair, but that usually comes a while after anger.

Scratch the surface of impatience and what underlies it is anger, in strong or milder forms. The anger is at not wanting things to be the way they are, and is accompanied by blame for someone or something  – often yourself.

However anger manifests, it underlies a feeling of powerlessness – an inability to do or say something that will make the situation different.

Whereas it is often authentic and a good thing to express anger, it can also have a debilitating effect, on yourself and others, and at the end of an outburst can leave you feeling despairing and drained.

So should we avoid anger? Is it a ‘bad’ emotion, and should we cultivate removing it from our repertoire of emotions altogether?

I do not believe so. As humans, we are equipped to experience anger, and it can be a useful indicator that we are looking at something in a different way from how it is. In other words, we are not seeing and being with ‘what is so’ in the moment; we are trying to deal with ‘how it should be’.

So it’s fine to be angry, and if you want to move beyond it, one way of doing so is to practice patience.

Just like you cannot force grass to grow, or the seasons to change, practice allowing things to unfold and develop in their own way. We don’t have to let our anxieties and our desire for certain results dominate the quality of the moment, even when things are painful. Learn when to push and when to pull – there is a time for both.

What comes in the next moment and in the next moment after that is in large measure determined by how we are now. If we are angry now, our experience of the next and the next and the next moments will be shaped by anger, which might not be the best way forward in the situation. If you become angry automatically or unconsciously, become aware of this, and if you choose to, put in place another more useful thought or feeling for that time – it will shape your next few moments, and those afterwards.

Having patience instead of anger can allow the right action in the situation to appear by itself.

Have a great Jubilee Bank Holiday, whatever your expectations, or patience and anger levels become.

We are exposed to enormous amounts of information on a daily basis, so become adept at filtering out what we think we don’t need, in an attempt to manage the bits we think we do want to hear or use. The inevitable consequence of this is that some stuff will go past unnoticed, because we do not think it relevant at the time.

But when you notice that this may be the second or third time you have heard someone talk about something, listen well – it may be time to take some action.

Someone has been trying to tell you something for some time and you may have just not been able to hear it.

These repeated messages are worth listening to, because they are often precursors to important shifts, or ‘aha moments’ in your life. They can be the last bit of the jigsaw to fall into place before you feel like, or are able to act.

Revelations or ‘aha moments’ occur around important things in our lives, and we usually feel significantly better once they have appeared. So why can it take several attempts before the final message is heard? Wouldn’t it be better if we could just hear it once and then act on it?

It can take several attempts to hear what is relevant because we have our own ideas and theories of what we should expect to hear. When we don’t hear what we think we should be hearing, we ignore what we actually are hearing. It’s a bit like asking a question you don’t know the answer to, then eliminating all the answers because they do not fit with what you think the answers should be.

This little mechanism keeps us within the illusion of feeling secure, by placing a level of predictability on the outcome – you only ask questions you are pretty sure of the answers to. And you want answers that are inline with your own ideas so that you can solve a problem. But your predicted answers keep you in the loop of having answers that don’t move you forward, so you stay stuck.

If you just listened to people around you, without any expectation of what you are going to hear, there may be something in there for you that can help.

That’s when you get unexpected shifts in your life or a situation you have been dealing with for some time.

So let go of thinking you know what the answers are in a conversation, and listen without any expectation of what information will be coming back to you. You may find that you get some unexpected, great and very useful answers.

Holding on can occur in many ways – sentimental attachment to objects or memories, daily routines, beliefs and prejudices, phobias and addictions are all varieties of holding on. They function to build and maintain the view we have of ourselves, and in the end create a tightly held and cherished ego.

The things held onto represent how we were at the time. However, they may have little to do with how we are now, and can limit our ability to vary from habitual patterns and conditioning as thrown up by our ego.

The cost of clinging on to our ego restricts our ability to deal with what is happening right now, as we automatically and unconsciously kick into our habitual ways of dealing with perceived situations. Attachments are the biggest source of stress for people, and can make change an exhausting experience. We suffer as a result of our ego’s trying to create certainty and predictability, so during a change process, where the only certainty is uncertainty, many people suffer the most.

As we grow older, we find ourselves attached to more and more – money, status, eternal youth, security – and like baggage these things weigh us down.

To loosen the tight grip of ego, practice letting go of little things one at a time. Learn to relax your tendency to control everything in your environment. Practice becoming aware of when you are holding on to something. Where are you holding on to old behaviours or moods which do not ultimately benefit you? Which of the opinions or attitudes that you frequently display no longer serve you? Where are you being narrow minded or dogmatic? Under what circumstances do you feel most stressed? What are you attached to right now – how should it be?

Change is only difficult because of what you are currently attached to. Practice being aware, then letting go, little by little. If you want to experience different things in your life, see what you are attached to, and start letting go.

I’m in the process of moving house at the moment, and am going through a process of letting go of 18 years worth of accumulation – that’s why I am mindful of the message above. It is a great feeling when there is less stuff to manage!

Although it may not appear to be as creative and exciting as taking on a completely new direction, you may gain satisfaction with the end result, particularly if your current situation is close to what you feel is right for you anyway. Sufficient modification may be possible within your current circumstances to satisfy your need for growth or change.

So, for example, if you are getting fed up with your current job role, pay some attention to how you are executing it, rather than looking over the horizon at getting a new job. It can be more effective to look at the bits of your current work that you enjoy and are good at, and see how you could get even better at performing them, while altering the bits that leave you feeling drained, bored or fed up.

This change in perception of your current circumstances could provide the growth, stimulation and focus you would anticipate in a new job or career, without throwing the baby out with the bathwater, and letting go of the bits of your current job/ way of life that work for you.

It may also provide a future that is more tangible and attractive, at least in the short to medium term, and that doesn’t feel such an enormous leap into the unknown. You don’t necessarily have to uproot your whole life to get what you want.

As an example of this, I know that I love training people, particularly in coaching skills. But I sometimes find that after I have run a two day course, although fully alert, alive and enjoying it during the sessions, after the course I can feel utterly drained, and can take a day to recover. For a number of years I accepted that this was just what happened after running a training course, as many of the trainers I talked to shared a similar experience. More recently, I have been looking at why I feel drained, and through one of my coaches, have come to the conclusion that ‘what’ I am doing (training people) is fine for me, and a good match with what I love doing and how I love working. However, working on ’how’ I deliver the training may change the exhausted feeling afterwards. This was a blind spot for me, but having revealed it, I have a new way of approaching my situation, and an exciting possible future, where I train and come away feeling energized the next day.

Have a look at your own life. What price are you paying to do something you like? Is it all wonderful, or are there some areas you are accepting cost you a lot?

Do get in touch if you would like some help in uncovering your blind spots and being at your best.

‘Whatever happens, there’s never anything wrong’.

It took me a long while to understand the power within this.

What? You mean when someone doesn’t pay you when they say they will, or your girlfriend runs off with your best mate, or a hostage has been killed instead of being released, there’s nothing wrong?

Yup, there’s nothing wrong.

I hadn’t realised that how I perceive events like those above affects my subsequent actions. Thinking that something is wrong triggers reactive behaviour, like outrage, blame and defensiveness.

These are all attributes of your character, or survival tactics. When your character is out to play, you cannot be at your best. Any actions you take when in character will not lead to the best results for you.

So if it’s not wrong, how is it?

Well, it’s not wrong or right, good or bad, weak or strong: it just is. The rest is meaning, judgement and significance you add to the situation. But people are conditioned to adding these things in a well practiced, but unconscious way.

If you really want to make a difference in a situation, look at what is actually happening, and accept it.

‘The so-and-so hasn’t paid me when he promised faithfully the money would be with me today!’ can turn into ‘I haven’t received the money I was expecting’. Do you notice the different energy around those two statements? The first is loaded with judgement (making the other person wrong), hatred, disappointment and a desire for retribution, where the second is remarkably straight and calm. It is purely a statement of what is so – how things are at the moment, free of judgement and loading.

It is much easier to create a powerful way of dealing with the situation, from a perspective of calm and acceptance. You will also invite the ‘wrongdoer’ to stop defending himself from the imminent attack he will be expecting, and see whether you can come up with a resolution that works for you both.

So next time you feel outrage welling up inside you (and if you want to expose yourself to this, watch the television news or East Enders), stop for a moment and separate out what has actually happened, as opposed to what everyone says about it. You may then find yourself willing to look for resolution, rather than retribution.

It fundamentally means the absence of thinking.

We are addicted to thinking. Our training, culture, parental influences and schools all encourage thinking as the best way of solving problems, getting ahead and being powerful. Universities are centers of intellect, and held up as the best way of getting ahead and being successful in life – statistically, graduates are paid more and have better job prospects than non-graduates. Science is held up as the best model on which to make advances. The nation values intellect and rationality above all else.

But where does excellence exist? Always in intellect – in your thoughts? No.

Great results are caused by a bit more than intellect on its own. Gifted performance, talent and genius have other components – intuition, creativity and imagination, and these only exist in spaces uncontaminated by thinking.

Were you ever ‘accused’ of being ‘dreamy’ as a child? Many of us learned that this was an inappropriate way to be, and as a result learned to not trust and develop our intuition or feelings, instead becoming trusting only of our senses – what we could see, touch, feel, hear and smell – rationality becoming our truth.

Yet great breakthroughs in performance, though possibly initiated and supported by thought, are accompanied by illogical insights or intuitive hunches. These occur independent of thinking.

So if you are looking for breakthroughs, it’s a good idea to allow yourself to learn to develop the weak muscle of intuition. You won’t get breakthroughs from only thinking.

Long term sustainable excellence exists when a person commands fluent and uncontaminated thinking. And the way to create breakthroughs is to get out of your head (thinking) and let your intuition (heart) make some choices for you.

Allow yourself to wander outside the normal constraints of the intellect – there are many things to be found out there which will contribute to your being at your best. Try entering a state of ‘no-thought’ from time to time. It’s harder than you think (because it is beyond thought…!), but is a vital component in breaking through issues you may be stuck with.

And rest assured; everything that you need in the way of creativity, freedom, intuition and excellence are to be found within you always. They just need a bit of help surfacing and being heard from time to time.

As a result, you can become disillusioned. What has the car not starting when you are already late for an appointment got to do with you being at your best? Or when you wake up one morning stuffed full of cold and feeling lousy when you want your energy to be at its highest, so you can get on with your plans?

Part of being at your best is recognising that you do not make it all happen by yourself, or in a day. When you have finally got clear about what you want, there is a tendency to become very blinkered in the processing of the world around you. You start looking out for signs that you believe show you are going in the right direction. When you don’t see the signs you expect, you think your journey is not on track, and start becoming attached to searching even harder for what you are expecting to see, rather than seeing what is actually happening around you. Then it looks like ‘it’s not working’ and you give up.

What can work in this situation is practicing acceptance. Accepting that where you are is where you are. And that’s it, nothing more, nothing less.

This is not a state of resignation, when it feels like you have one arm twisted up behind your back and have to submit. This is a state of just stopping and getting present to what is actually happening right here and now. Just because you wake up feeling lousy, does not mean that your project is never going to work. Just because you are late for an important meeting because the car did not start does not mean that you won’t be able to be, do or have what you want.

The beauty of acceptance is that when you embrace (rather than fight) an apparent problem, and recommit to what you want, very often things start happening as if by miracle which are in line with your desired outcome. In the process of accepting that where you are is just where you are and that there is nothing wrong with it, you open yourself up to others helping you achieve what you want, and let go of thinking you are the only person who can ‘make it happen’.

Next time you receive an apparent ‘body blow’ which seems to stop you dead in your tracks, practice acceptance. It will save you a lot of energy.

Do let me know what results you get and how your plans progress in unexpected ways.

In my view, stress is experienced at any time that you are not present in the moment, and therefore not at your best. Putting that the other way around, when you are not at your best, you are in a state of stress.

Most of us can live relatively comfortably with a certain amount of stress, at the same time not living in the moment, and in those situations we would describe life as being alright, OK or fine. But we are not at our best.

The further we become from the present, the greater the levels of stress we experience. When we dwell on mistakes from the past, we experience stress. When our experiences of the present do not match up with our expectations of the future, we experience stress.

The only place that is entirely stress free is the here and now. And what is happening right now is just what is happening right now – that is all there is to deal with. Dealing with the here and now powerfully brings great energy and aliveness, and you can experience being at your best, as you are no longer distracted by the buzzing flies of the future and of the past. In those moments there is peace. Then anything can happen, and in my experience, everything you ever wanted starts to appear.

I have been reading a book by Ian Denys Peek, in which he tells the story of his experiences as a Japanese prisoner of war, building the infamous Burma Siam railway. In the constant face of death, brutality, starvation and disease, he recounts some fascinating insights into what enabled him and his comrades to survive.

He and his colleagues found that thinking about their past lives became very upsetting and provided little comfort, as their pasts were mostly vastly different from their current experience. He recognised that many of his old patterns and habits were not of much use in his current situation.

Correspondingly, creating expectations of the future over which they had almost no control (as they were at the whim of the Japanese authorities), proved to be more distressing when things did not work out as expected, than the comfort they gained during the creation.

Over time, he recognised that living in the present, with the rock solid beliefs that he was going to survive, enabled him and his colleagues to work together and make the best of the situations they found themselves in. They became able to respond to opportunities that presented themselves, like extra food, very quickly, which enabled them to make the most of each day.

I was interested in how he writes about a beautiful sunset, or the lushness of the view over the jungle he sees from a cliff top, or the fleeting glimpse of a colourful bird, or his awe at seeing an elephant work for the first time. Those to me are signs of someone who is present. He notices what is going on around him, and they obviously touch and nourish part of his soul.

So where are you stressed? Periodically stop whatever you are engaged in, and just look around you. Notice whatever you notice, observe your environment. Where is the beauty in it? Where is there peace present in your immediate environment? What is happening right now?

Being present is the best medicine there is against stress.

Be still for a moment. Be here now.

See what happens.

Energy increases when things are whole and complete. Something is incomplete when you can look at it and say ‘this is draining me in some way’. Examples of this might be an untidy office, unpaid bills, phone calls to return that are now overdue, or upsets in relationships that you are still smarting over.

Completion is about ending, declaring finished, removing clutter from life, and declaring obsolete. In addition, it is about choosing what you do want in life, and putting your energy towards that.

I believe it was the Buddha who said ‘the only way to have inner peace is by finishing everything you have ever started’. Whereas this is probably impossible, before moving ahead in progressing a plan or new commitment, it is important to tidy up and complete the past. A farmer would not plant seeds without clearing old vegetation and preparing the ground to provide conditions for the best crop growth.

Completion can be applied in all areas of life – money, career, health, personal growth, your physical environment, relationships and fun and recreation.  The impact of leaving areas incomplete is to take energy rather than give it, and this leaves you feeling drained and struggling as you work harder to ‘make it happen’. It’s like trying to take a bath without the plug in – while you are putting water (energy) in at the top, it’s draining out just as fast through the plug hole. Start plugging the hole (by completing all the things that are draining your energy) and it will be able to hold water (energy).

So ask yourself ‘what is incomplete in my life at the moment?’ or ‘what is the biggest energy drain I am experiencing currently’. One area that that comes up for me periodically is clutter in the house.

The house is not always as tidy and peaceful as we would like it. We are not trying for ‘the show-home perfectionism’ look, but we do notice when the general level of untidiness starts becoming a drain in energy, and it ceases to be a great place to relax and recuperate. Tidying the children’s toys from under the settee, removing accumulated ‘stuff’ from the kitchen that has nothing to do with cooking, and repairing and re-hanging a favourite mirror have all ‘plugged’ some of the energy drains and restored a level of harmony and tranquillity around the house. There is more to do, as new things come into the house, but we no longer have to manage those particular energy drains, and there is a feeling of peacefulness that was not there before.

What happens when you cannot deal with a ‘drain’ in one simple and quick action? An example of this might be a change a career. If you don’t yet have the job you want, you could say that an incompletion exists, so the drain will continue until you do. Well, yes and no! If you break the search for new work down into steps, when you climb each one, you can be complete with it. Completing smaller goals within the big goal will reduce the size of the drain.

So how do you know when something is complete or incomplete? It’s because you say it is.  A good indicator of whether you are complete with something comes when you ask yourself ‘is this still draining me, and is there anything else I need to do right now?’ If there is, choose whether you want to do anything about it and take the necessary actions. If not, declare it complete and move on.

Like all the best things in life, completion is an ongoing event. What gives you energy today may provide a drain tomorrow. A regular clean out and declutter is a great way of maintaining your energy flow.

Although he does not speak, he manages to communicate very effectively the question’ are we going for a walk then?’

Most evenings we do, some we don’t. He never stops asking, and best of all he does not withdraw his love if he does not get a walk that evening. There is no sulking, grumbling or grudge.

So why am I telling you about a dog? Well, there are many things to learn from Tonto. He is totally present. He is interested in walks, other dogs, food, sleeping under his duvet, chasing cats and squirrels, playing and being loved. That is his world. He shows no fear of tomorrow, very little memory of yesterday, and is fully alive in the moment.

Anyone looking at him would describe him as happy. I think he is. If one of the things he is interested in is available, he wants for nothing else. Otherwise he finds somewhere warm to snooze until what he is interested in appears.

He is a four legged example of unconditional love. He loves his family whatever they do or don’t do with him, whether he gets a walk or not.

He is not attached to any outcome, but is ready to be inspired and in action on those things that interest him. He likes the things he seems to gain the most satisfaction and happiness from. He conserves his energy for them, and is fully committed when the opportunities arise.

The only time you see his ego is when facing up to a bigger dog, when his hackles rise and he shouts a good fight. The rest of the time, he is apparently ego free.

I remember many years ago (he is now a mature 13 year old),after his then girlfriend became pregnant, sitting with him on the sofa having a very significant conversation about his responsibilities as a father. I was telling him how he will have to get a job, earn his living and find somewhere to live, so that he could support his family. He looked up at me with a ‘so are you trying to say we’re going for a walk, then?’ face, completely oblivious to what I was talking about. No remorse, no burden, no thought of the future.

He’s a great companion to have what ever my mood, as he invites me to live in the moment. By doing that, he has a very happy, contented life, and radiates love into our family.

So, when you feel stuck sometime, act like a dog. Life will become simpler, and simplicity usually brings happiness to yourself and others.

One word of caution though; if you feel the urge to cock your leg on a neighbour’s tree, make sure you explain why you are doing it.